Faded Friendship

“Bakit bigla mo nalang akong inalis sa buhay mo?” This line really made me cry. It really sucks being too attached. ‘Cause when that someone left, you don’t know how to start again.

Aly Almario

Last night, I had a dream about my best friend. No, actually she’s my ex-bff. Now I’m confused whether we’re still friends or not. I think we’re only acquaintances now since we’re not talking to each other anymore. (Well, she’s talking to me if she needs something.) (Okay ang bitter ng dating.)

Matagal na naman akong naka-move on sa nangyari sa friendship namin. Lagi ko na lang iniisip na ganun talaga, people come and go. Yung iba nag i-stay hanggang sa dulo. Pero karamihan, nawawala talaga sa buhay mo. Kaso bigla ko siyang naalala dahil sa panaginip ko.

In my dream, nasa classroom daw kami at magkaklase. (In real life, never kaming naging magkaklase. Ni-hindi kami magkasama ng school at matanda rin ako sa kanya ng ilang taon.)

Magkatabi kaming dalawa at umiiyak ako sa kanya. Paulit ulit kong tinatanong sa kanya habang humahagulgol ng iyak.

“Anong nangyari? Why did…

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[051016] “The Past: When everything was better”

I feel so numb today.. I don’t know..

You know that feeling when, you felt that someone wants to leave you.. when someone’s slowly walking away from you? It’s like they want to leave you but you want them to stay! Every night. I pray to God that “I wish, we could bring back the old us, the bond between us. Lord? Can you give me a sign if i need to give up? ‘Cause i’m holding on to things that could hurt me. I’m holding on to memories. Those happiest memories of mine that’s hurting me today. I don’t know if fighting for it, is still worth it. But please Lord. Please give me a sign, please let me know if i need to give up. I’m so confused right now lord.” Every night. I kept on praying that.

I’m a girl who keeps on holding on to memories just to tell myself not to give up. I’m a fan of “Keep on fighting, ’cause it’s worth it.”  but i didn’t know that in this world of keep on fighting there’s a “Give up. It’s not worth it” 

I kept on thinking that.. You’re giving me so many reasons to leave, why am I still here? Am i hoping that you will be back to yourself? ‘Cause i don’t miss you. I miss the old you! It’s like i’m fighting for nothing!

We usually go to church every sunday. But this time, you successfully made me give up. You know, that going to church is really important to me. And because of you going to church with someone became my routine. You’ve let me hold on to things with you but because of holding and getting used to it. I have no idea that it could hurt me so much. So you think that, i didn’t notice that you make excuses so you can’t say yes if i ask you to go somewhere ’cause i have no one to come with me? Well i’m not stupid. Every word you said, every message, every decline, everything! I noticed it all!

Last saturday, i slept early. I woke up late. I saw your message, you left me a message. After 3-4 days of not talking you talked to me. You told me that let’s go to church that day. So i said yes. Because i missed talking to you. But when i replied you told me, that you’re not already sure. So i said okay. I told you that i’m going to church at 6, you could catch up with me. But you didn’t! I was crying while singing at church ’cause i think Lord already told me that i should give up. So i did. I stopped talking to you. But the memories are still here with me. Don’t worry. I won’t throw it away. I really love memories. but for now, i’m starting to get used to it. Not talking to you, no communications.

I give up.

Secret Pain

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Ang hirap kumapit sa thought na, “hindi naman ako matitiis nito” “siguro, plano niya lang ‘to.” Ang hirap hirap.

I just want to cry right now. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ang bigat bigat sa feeling.

I want to shout, i want to scream. Ang sakit sakit ng nararamdaman ko, ang hirap na kimkimin ko lang ‘to.

I just want this pain to stop, i want this bullshit to stop from hurting myself. I don’t know why, my heart is killing itself, my heart is hurting itself. I just want to hug someone right now. But i can’t. I want to hug someone right now and tell him/her all my problems. Ang dami kong iniisip na possibilities.

What can you do when your good isn’t good enough?

Ang daming tumatakbo sa isip ko ngayon, bakit ako ganito. Bakit ganito yung ugali ko. Bakit hindi ko maabot yung standard nila. Hindi ko maabot yung ulap na pinapaabot nila sakin, napakahirap.

I hate this feeling na hindi ko ginawa yung best ko. I’m scared to open up. I’m scared that everyone will judge me. I can’t breathe.  Hindi ako makahinga sa thought  na ‘to. Natatakot ako sa nangyayari. Ang bigat bigat ng pakiramdam ko, ang bigat bigat. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko matatangal ‘to. I don’t know how to remove this pain from my heart.

It’s hard to pretend that you’re okay even if you’re not.

Ang hirap tumawa ng may dinadala kang kung ano sa puso mo. Ang hirap hirap solohin yung problema. I’m scared. Natatakot akong magopen sa ibang tao, sa mga kaibigan ko. kasi ang lalim lalim ng problema ko. Gustong gusto ko maglabas ng sama ng loob. Kasi hindi ko na yata kaya.

How many times will it take for me, to get it right?

 

 

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I just want a hug. No words. Just a hug, please?

[Diary] Salamat earphones

So accurate

Aly Almario


Ilang beses na rin ata akong nailigtas ni pareng earphones sa mga pinaka awkward at pinaka nakakainis na mga pangyayari sa buhay ko.

May times na sobrang pikon na pikon ako sa mga kasama ko kasi puro panlalait na lamang ang lumalabas sa kanilang bibig. Pinasakan ko ng headset ang tenga ko at kahit na wala akong naka ready na tugtog sa phone ko, effective naman kasi hindi na nila ako kinausap.

Meron pa nang minsang may nakasamaan ako ng loob at gustong gusto kong umiyak. Nasa byahe ako noon. Sa LRT line 2. Punuan. Mag isa lang ako. Ang daming thoughts ang tumatakbo sa isipan ko. Ang ginawa ko, pinasakan ko ng headset ang tenga ko at nagpatugtog ako ng malakas. Paramore. Yung mga kanta nilang rock talaga. Para ma drown ang thoughts ko. Para mas maging malakas ang tunog ng drums, gitara at boses ni Haley sa kung…

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My kind of Squad

We’re not, rich. Hindi kami mayayaman. But for me, mayaman kami. Kasi meron kaming isa’t isa. I’m very thankful kasi my friends are always there when i need someone who i can talk to. Nandyan sila para i-encourage ako na kakayanin ko lahat ng problema ko. When i’m crying, they kept on telling something na ikakatawa ko. I’m really thankful na nandito sila sa tabi ko. I’m really thankful to have them. I don’t want to depend on them but they’re my kind of happiness.

Marami kaming natatanggap na hatred sa mga ka-schoolmate namin or ka-classmate namin. Kasi sa barkada namin, 3 girls and 3 boys. At yung mga boys namin ayun, maraming na-aatract sa kanila, kaya masama at iba’t ibang klase ng panglalait natatanggap namin.  At first, iniintindi ko yun. But now? All i can think is, i want this squad to last forever. They told us na, bakit kailangan pa naming intindihin yung opinyon ng iba kung masaya kami. Then reality hits me, kahit anong gawin kong panunuyo sa iba is hindi parin nila ko matatanggap, lalaitin pa din nila ako. It’s either pansinin ko sila at mawala ang mga kaibigan ko or wag ko silang pansinin habang nagpapakasaya ako sa piling ng mga kaibigan ko. Ofcourse, i’ll choose the second! They are my bestfriends.

But here’s the thing, in every squad meron kang isang taong pinaka-close doon. I have mine. He’s my bestfriend. And being his bestfriend is a risky thing. Kasi, yes. He’s handsome, he can play guitar, he’s intelligent he’s caring, he’s funny, But HE CAN’T SING VERY WELL. Hahaha. He can sing but not as good as i can. I’m a singer, not literally singer like selena gomez, sarah geronimo etc. But in our school, kilala ako bilang singer. I used to join singing contests, but tinigil ko na ‘yon. As i was saying, he’s not a singer. But HE’S HANDSOME and INTELLIGENT. So most of the girls are attracted to him, and my ex-friend is one of those girls.

Alam ko, Alam kong gustong gusto niya ang bestfriend ko. But yun yung time na hindi pa kami bestfriend ni guy. Nung friend pa kami ni gel. Nasira ang friendship namin kasi mas pinili niya yung feelings niya kay lan (bestfriend). Naging close kami ni lan ng sandaling panahon bago ko makilala si gel, then kinwento ko kay gel lahat nung nangyari. Then nagalit siya, sabi niya gawa gawa ko lang daw yun. and i was like ‘the hell with this girl’. Big deal sakanya lahat kasi si lan na yung usapan, gusto niya si lan diba? so ayun nagalit siya. And yun yung pinaka-nakapagdisappoint sakin. Yung piliin niya si lan kaysa sakin, at ako pa ang lumabas na masama. Lumayo ako, at nakilala ko yung mga taong nakakapag-pasaya sakin ngayon. Yung barkada ko. Tinulungan nila ako para magtiwala ulit. They taught me how to forgive, and i love them for doing this to me.

Most of the time, napagkakamalan kaming mag-boyfie at girlfie. Hahaha. But it doesn’t matter kasi hindi totoo, minsan nga sinasakyan namin yung mga ganon eh, but he’s not my boyfriend, he’s my monstuh’ bestfriend! And i’m happy that he is! I’m happy that my squad accepts me kahit ano pa ko. I love them so much